The Ultra Vulgar Guide to Buying Drugs, Guns and Counterfeit Anything on the Dark Net

Posted: March 20, 2012 by Esteban in Pragmatic Profligacy
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I’ll never forget the day a large, heavy box showed up on my doorstep. It was about 48″ x 6″ and must have weighted around 20 pounds.
The return address was nonsense, some fake address and nonexistent name. Cautiously, I took an X-Acto blade to the box, from one end to another, and gingerly sorted through an endless sea of Styrofoam, tissue paper and packaging peanuts until my fingertips brushed against hard metal. My heart stopped.

He couldn’t have. Not really. I mean, did he?

With the type of delicateness usually reserved for handling newborns, I removed the contents of the box – an AK-47 assault rifle.

My mouth hang slack as I quickly replaced the deadly weapon back in the box, taped it up and wrote “RTS – FRAGILE” on the side with a red Sharpie before dropping it back in the mail.

For obvious reasons, Esteban declined to take a selfie with his illegally purchased assault rifle.

When I had heard that you would order any drug, counterfeit, or unlicensed weapons over the internet, I had to see for myself if it really worked.

For the record, if you’re wondering how you too can order an AK-47 and have it delivered to your door, here is my advice:


That is the short answer and the best advice. Especially since ULTRA VULGAR does not encourage any sort of illegal activity and is not responsible for any act of stupidity that may result from reading this article.

(By the way, our “ULTRA VULGAR Made Me Do It” T-shirts are now in stock!)

The Dark Net is basically like Tijuana. Taking a trip there sounds like a good idea at 3 a.m. when you’re twelve Coronas in, then you realize, hey, why go to TJ just to buy tacos when there is a perfectly acceptable taco stand on the corner in East Village? Sure, might be able to find some nifty stuff there, but you’ll probably end up overpaying for it, and if you do find what you’re looking for at a reasonable price, there is a good chance that it is a fake. Then you leave in an inebriated, churro quaffing rage because it took you so long to get there only for a Mexican prostitute to scam you out of all of your money.

But I hate Mariachi and Chiklits, not to mention my local taco vendor is currently in jail, so I chose curiosity over caution and packed my sombrero for the next flight to the worldwide Dark Net Market.

As an advocate of research chemicals, I expected my Dark Net vacation would be a somewhat similar experience. The main malfunction with the research chemical system of operations is that it puts way too much faith in pretext. Don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for the chemists who legally manufacture these synthetics made to mimic their illegal counterparts, but when a cop pulls you over and sees a dime bag of white powder just chilling in your cup holder, is that “Not for human consumption” sticker going to keep you out of jail? Sure, it is a legal chemical, and maybe they will drop the charges after four or five months in the clink. Or maybe the judge will push the analogue act and sentence you to herpes. That’s life, dawg. And if you are riding dirty and don’t have the common courtesy to at least make an attempt at stashing your shit, I hope that your cell mate hides shanks in your mattress when you’re not looking.

Thankfully, when I was handed instructions for accessing the Dark Net, written on a self-destructing napkin (true story), it was not as simple as ordering from a catalog online. Actually, that’s exactly what it is. Only gaining access to this Wonka factory of illegal goods requires a little computer know-how, a lot of money, and even more patience.

A sneak peek at the type of goodies you can expect to find on the Amazon on drugs.

Before hopefuls begin their journey down the rabbit hole, it is important to be aware that because of the nature of the Dark Net Market, nothing is certain. You may end up getting amazing deals on rare items which you would never normally run across, or you may end up getting scammed out of $12 million dollar. That’s the amount the was stolen from thousands of users and vendors around the world when the two administrators from Evolution, one of the most popular markets to pop up since Silk Road’s demines, halted money withdrawals from the site a week before shutting it down. Afterwards, Vert and Kimble, the two culprits behind the caper, had an enormous bounty out on them by a bunch of very angry drug dealers and are presumably dead by now.

As a direct result of this, the world digital currency known as bitcoin quickly plummeted over $40 in value, as low as $250 per bitcoin, after see a steady climb in value leading up to this exit scam. At the date of this article, one bitcoin (BTC) is the equivalent of $260.

Here is a short list of items listed for sale on the home page of one of the leading Dark Net Markets:

Fishscale Coke, 7 G. $660

Terumo 1 ml Syringe, $0.60

ATM Skimmer, $10.

Porn Pro, Premium. $10.

Medical Bud, 14 G. $155.

Uranium Ore. $1,500.

There are few restrictions on what vendors can sell online. You’ll be relieved to know that these include child pornography, assassin-for-hire services, and Nickleback albums. In no part of any Dark Net Market’s user terms of service does it forbid perfectly legal goods. In fact, there are tons of handy eBooks available, like this one:

“How to Steal Cars and get Pussy” by Anon.

When someone is referring to “The Dark Net Market”, what they really mean is the series of online stores accessible only through the anonymous web browser, Tor. This will change where your computer thinks you are located. Tor is okay, but in order to return from the skanky depths of Dark Net unscathed you are going to need two condoms. Even if you’re not paranoid schizophrenic, it is recommended that you download a VPN service. Several free VPNs are available. These are your first downloads on your trip into darkness…

Next up, bitcoin. While still a very small number of people are familiar with the digital currency, it’s an extremely fascinating prospect for a currency in its infancy and certainly not without its utility. Before you proceed, it is recommended that you read about hot bitcoin works on the wiki page. They also have a complete list of bitcoin wallet software, one of which you will need to download in order to store your digital currency.

Here is where it really gets fun. Ready? Now open your bitcoin wallet and let it synch up with the bitcoin blockchain. This process takes up about 30 GB and (for my notebook) a in between one to two weeks. Yes, weeks.

Why does it take so long? In order to send or receive bitcoins, your wallet generates and random series of characters which serves as your wallet address. In order to ensure none of the “randomized” addresses are repeated, your wallet client must download every. Transaction. Ever. Super effective, I know, but such is the price of moving money anonymously on the internet.

While you’re waiting for your wallet to synch, I would suggest catching up on some ULTRA VULGAR articles. You probably even have plenty of time to go to one of our Vulgar Events. Not only will it take your mind off of how painstakingly annoying this process is, who knows, maybe you’ll find whatever you wanted on the Dark Net at a local event. (Keep in mind that no Dark Net Markets have listings for drunk chicks – Yet.)

You’ve demonstrated computer comprehension. You’ve exercised extreme patience. It’s time to buy some illegal goods. But, wait! People selling illegal goods from their home computer will not accept your silly paper money! That would be crazy. First, get a receiving address from your bitcoin wallet to buy some bitcoins from a seller like Kraken, whose registration process could take several days while they validate your identity (chill, you haven’t bought anything illegal just yet.) or CoinMama, whose prices are crazy inflated but is one of the few bitcoin sellers who takes credit cards.

Please keep in mind that the value of a bitcoin is extremely volatile and can fluxuate exponentially. For that purpose, it is recommended that you never buy more bitcoins than you are comfortable losing. Of course, the flip side is that bitcoins make an awesome investment for those who know the market.

Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a fraction of some weird digital coins. Let’s go spend them. Using the Tor browser and VPN of your choice, navigate to the registration page for the market of your choice. Agora is undeniably the best right now, despite its frequent-but-necessary downtime during which the admins which servers. You are going to need a user referral in order to make an account. You can try this one:
or find one here:
Once you log into your Agora (or other DNM) account you will be greeted with a screen full of drugs, porn, and other listings from various vendors (sounds like a good Thursday night). In your Agora account, go to your wallet and get the receiving address. In your wallet client, which by now should contain your bitcoins, send them to the address you got from your Agora account. Done? Your money will show up in a few minutes.

Now with a fat wallet full of digital money you are free to anonymously pursue the Dark Net. Here are a few tips on staying alive, out of jail, and turned up.

  • Cross reference your vendors. Believe it or not, there are actually people out there who want to take your money and NOT give you drugs.
  • Read carefully. A product or vendor description can tell you a lot more it lets on.
  • Be safe. Be anonymous. Download PGP encryption software to safely send people your address.
  • Exercise common sense. When it comes down to it, buying illegal goods on the Dark Net Marketplace is no different than buying them on the street.

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