Never mind the fact that any plant you push past your lips unknowingly carries with it the dormant psychoactive alkaloids which will later resurface in that glint of your overly-dilated eyes. Disregard the fact that to truly live a “drug free” existence, one would have to cease the consumption of all forms of nourishment. Let’s be subjective about this – you don’t want to continue taking dope. Maybe you’ve been on one bender too many, maybe you just watched your best friend OD, or maybe you’ve been brainwashed into a cult who shallowly obscures their intentions by claiming to be a legitimate religion. Whatever, I get it.
Squares cash in on drug prohibition - where do I sign up!?
Let me break it down like amino acids. Here, I will list off some (mostly) natural ways to get those happy chemical reactions going off in your brain, and while none will rival the unprecedented comfort of smoking a Jeffery or the Hollywood initiate ritual that is snorting cocaine from large, fake, and over priced titties, surely these activities will keep you occupied until your dealer next restocks.
Ever heard of a runner’s high? Well don’t laugh, because it exists. Not everyone is meant to run, just like not everyone is meant to smoke tin foil. People find it hard to believe when I tell them I used to run marathons, but I will tell you from experience that the runner’s high does exist and like any high it is difficult to both achieve and maintain.
Remember when you were eight years old and you would sit in your dad’s chair and spin and spin and spin until you were so dizzy you would puke? Now remember doing the same thing when you were 18 except this time it was your step-dad’s chair and there was no touching you had to repress afterwards, also you were a little drunk from Popov vodka in water bottles? Neither do I. The point is that spinning will always be a timeless activity. Just ask any DJ with a trust fund and awful haircut.
Music and emotions are closely linked, so it comes as no surprise that certain types of music can be both as energizing as any over overinflated teen strung out on diet pills or as sedating as a lonely goth caught in the emotional intricacies of any song by The Cure (do they only have one song, or do they just all sound EXACTLY ALIKE?). While it is debatable as to whether one can actually “get high” from music, we will touch on this in another article.
Not unlike music, everyone enjoys a different variety of comedy. This is why it is important to find out what makes you laugh seek it out as gratuitously as possible. If you find your niche is completely esoteric, you may have a problem. Still, there is no shame in enjoying black comedy as long as you type with cap lock on all the time always. If you are still reading this them we share a like minded sense of depraved humor and we should totally hang out sometime. Call me.
Whether you are a new age guru or eccentric hipster, meditation does wonders for all. Like anything else worth doing, it requires one to put in a lot of work in order to get a harvest of mental fortitude. There are thousands of books and video series that capitalize of this endeavor, so pick one inspirational figure to bankroll and don’t stop until you buy him a house in the Keys.
Okay, so you are too lazy to mediate. The good news is that you don’t really have to get past the first and easiest step of meditation to reap its iceberg benefits: deep breathing. Simple enough, right? Note: Oxygen is good. More oxygen is better. But at some point, too much oxygen will result in passing out on the bus while the neck-beard sitting across from you molests you and takes your wallet. And that’s why you don’t ride the bus. Ever.
This one should go without saying, but sex is known to release more mojo than the latest designer drug. While the synergy of the two can be blissfully overwhelming, sober sex ain’t half bad either. And in this tough economy, solo sex is trending.
And I guess legitimate love for another human being belongs on this list, as long as it not the creepy kind that is reciprocated and involves lurking in foliage.
The bottom line is that endorphins can be just a great as, and yet still no substitute for, dopamine. Serotonin comes from a lot more sources than a thin white line. So before you spend a small fortune on a habit that could potentially kill you – or at least your complexion – consider the alternatives.
