It’s 1 PM. Too hot to sleep, but you’re too hungover to get out of bed. Your head is throbbing and full of regret. Luckily, what you are going through is a nothing novel. You are not a martyr for the terrible, amoral things you did last night, and although there is nothing we can do about the embarrassing retro-cringe you may be feeling, this, too, shall pass. With access to years of hangover preventative research, and your equally fucked up fellow fiends by your side, you’ll be getting down with a hangover in no time.
What you need is The Ultra Vulgar Hang Over Cure.
- Big breakfast. Whether you’re waking up alone in your own bed, in a stranger’s bed, or in the front lawn, one of the best hangover cures is a simple meal. And by simple, we mean gluttonous proportions of greasy and spicy food. Yes, it may make you feel like a fat slob in the long run, but greasy, spicy food is loaded with endorphins that will make you feel decent in the present. Eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, syrup with a side of pancakes, burritos of dildo proportions, Tobasco, Siracha, and Tapitio – all part of a balanced, hangover-free breakfast.
- More alcohol. Hairy dogs and first calls are classic hangover aversion techniques employed by our hooch swilling forefathers. It’s a lot easier to stay on the horse than let it drag you across the finish line, unless you are such a short jockey that you don’t touch the ground after being bucked off. Then you are a little mimosa chugging athlete.
- Weed. Known for its quasi-medicinal properties, getting high may just be the ticket back into the world of the functional living, or at least make you temporarily not give a fuck. Stuff left out during a party is probably no good, which, as every good prostitute knows, is why it’s best to save a morning-after nug or two.
- Day parties. While it’s true that coming down is always best done alone, if you find yourself in the company of other people who are getting down, you may just get a proverbial contact high. Free day parties can be found in the trendy neighborhoods of all metro areas, usually for free, and quite often full of people who are also in their own personal hangover hell, making it the best place to meet fellow suffering alcoholics outside of AA. (Editor’s note: if you can’t shake the hangover headache, avoid places with loud music or you’ll find yourself ) Which brings us to our next tip:
- Sex. What better way to get down with a hangover than by actually getting down. Whether you hook-up in the bathroom of a party, make an early morning booty call, or order in for the day, the orgasmic mojo from a good bang will undoubtedly get your mind off your mind, or at the very least get you off.
These five simple tips to giving your hangover the finger, when paired with lots of coffee and water, will save you the embarrassing utterance, “Never again” and get you back in the bar in no time. Because why the fuck should you be a slave to your own heavily abused body? If you think you have a better technique, please share it in the comments bellow.