Ultra Vulgar Super Fiend

By Cheryl  

             When we were informed that August is National Romance Month, of course it immediately became a running gag we used to have all of the steamy naughtiness we could pack into a 24 hour intervals. With every muscle sore and utterly devoid of bodily fluids, I am just now questioning the validity of such a month in the lives of the polyamorous.

More importantly, monogamous couples this month are finding their decaying relationships rejuvenated by the advent of the curious new bedroom edible, Masque. While that stale candy underwear is still a joke, this product is much more than a novelty. Years of research in the U.S.’s top dick sucking laboratories (brothels) and backed by very, very hard science, Masque Sexual Flavors in engineered to effectively conceal the taste of semen proteins.

If you’re like me, then you have trouble pulling the dick out of your mouth once it goes in… For those blow job marathons and situations of dire dry-mouth, Masque provides a refreshing zing of flavor, like an oasis in a desert of cock. But as a gal who happens to be a denizen of the desert of cock, my two main qualms with this product are 1) they only last for 15 minutes, tops. And 2) come on, what girl doesn’t love the taste of cum in her throat? While both of those problems may actually stem from deep seeded daddy issues, this product is still worth a go for any gal who has guzzled her weight in jizz. Next time you’re at the sex shop and you see these sitting in a jar by that creepy cashier, grab a few to try out for yourself – they are a couple bucks at most.

Guys, does your woman’s not so fresh feeling get in the way of your appetite for fish tacos? In lieu of demanding that skank shower, or better yet, not going down on homeless women, you can always pop one of these bad boys in your mouth and go to town. Again, I happen to love the taste of pussy, but even better is the taste of strawberry pussy, or mango, or chocolate, or watermelon!

For women who are afraid of felatio, this item may be the key to getting your man to take out the trash or do the dishes once in awhile. Since a happy man is often a productive man, why not throw off the shekels of prudence in favor of something spicy. It may just save your sex life.

Guest contributor Codi Pace writes:

Coming from a homosexual’s perspective, Masque is a ridiculous product designed for those who should not be performing fellatio in the first place. The act of Fellatio is precisely what it is, an act; a performance. For truly talented performers, such as myself, Masque elludes the very purpose of the act entirely with it’s chemical sweetness and bitter aftertaste which resembles that of burnt latex and cheap, fruity perfume. Also, it did not mask the residual chalky texture after ejaculation. Afterall, shouldn’t the cream at the finale be regarded as a reward for such a splendid performance?

But wait! Masque is not just for girls and gays. Other uses include:

• Temporary tattoos you can eat
• Fruit Roll-up supplement
• Making Indian food edible
• Getting your dog to swallow medicine
• Edible wallpaper
• Bookmark
• Scotch tape replacement

For anyone who wants take their felatio to the next level, no matter how much you love the taste of cum, you will inevitably find a use for Masque.