By Jessica Sanders
“I used to tell everyone to go off and make art… I don’t do that anymore.”
— Banksy
Said quote is literally the only thing I heard, albeit internally, while watching Paranormal Haunting: The Curse of the Blue Moon Inn. Now, that may be because the sound quality is so poor that you actually cannot hear any of the dialog in the film, but let’s not get all technical. Not yet.
I enjoy tabulating pros and cons. This pursuit is not nearly as spiritually satisfying when pros are entirely absent from the equation, so let me just say that I have a sneaking suspicion Director Philip Gardiner’s mother probably LOVED this movie. Maybe. And as Tom Cruise’s character opines in Vanilla Sky: “If you can reach one person…”
You’re probably wondering why I keep quoting other films. It’s because I couldn’t hear the one I’m reviewing. Also? I couldn’t see it. And I don’t want to get super technical, not yet, so let’s just say YOU CAN’T HEAR OR SEE THIS MOVIE. Allow me to explain:
The sound a mess. If there is any dialog in this movie, it wasn’t detected. There’s quite a bit of mumbling, some considerable murmuring, at least three instances of whispering and two screams(ish). I heard some people ring the doorbell when they arrived at the Blue Moon Inn. I recall this distinctly because each person assaulted the doorbell rapidly and incessantly for no apparent reason whatsoever. So there’s that.
Once the guests got inside, all hell broke loose! Just kidding. People gathered around and said nothing to one another. Shots of empty hotel rooms. Shots of empty beds. A shot of an empty bed with a suitcase on it. A succession of shots where guests unpack their luggage silently (this “action” is sped up for added “effect?”) while an Irish Rockabilly song drowns out any dialogue? that may or may not be occurring.
The picture is a mess. It’s dark. Not scary dark, and not twisted dark. Literally dark. You can’t tell what’s (not) going on, and you can’t tell who is (not) speaking. Huge fucking bummer.
I can only surmise that the filmmakers latched onto the word “Paranormal” in hopes that someone would accidentally mistake this film for one of the “Activity” sort. Nothing particularly paranormal occurred, except that a chair got knocked over and a man fell down. That’s not paranormal, that’s Jameson. Or, as one Amazon user so eloquently observed:
“Boo hissssssssssssss very bad cheap yucky will throw away asap no special effects some scrawny naked girl shots terible had to turn it off wife begged me to turn it off save money do not waste on this film.”
Was this review helpful? No. Because I had already “watched” the “film”.
Boo, hiss indeed.
Because I am an expert at navigating the International Movie Data Base, I was able to discover that these filmmakers churn out about 8 movies a year. That’s sort of like cooking a turkey dinner in 14 minutes. I don’t think that shit is finished, bro.
I don’t want to be entirely negative, so I will say that at one point in the film someone drank a glass of wine, and I really like wine. Also, the movie ended, so it had that going for it.
By the way, when Tom Cruise suggested to “Crazy-Town-Population: One” Cameron Diaz in Vanilly Sky that she would be lucky to “reach one person” with her art? She totally drove him off a cliff while still navigating the car.
Making movies for yourself and / or your mom is slightly selfish. I don’t have to love it, but I do need to hear it. And / Or see it. That’s why they call it a:
motion picture
noun
Too technical? Yeah. I was afraid of that.