Porn Critique Vol. 1

Posted: June 2, 2012 by Cheryl in Featured Fuck

In a world where physical pleasure is (or should be) a universal form of currency, it takes a certain amount of skill, experience, and practice in order to survive. I’m talking, of course, about the adult industry, which not surprisingly employs a very similar business model as the archetype seen in more traditional businesses, like banking, major corporations, and government. The only difference between the latter three and the adult industry is that only one of these multi-billion dollar businesses promotes pleasure rather than the anguish of their customers.

Here are a few pointers for gals who want to go above and beyond when in cums to getting money for sex in the fuck biz. For those who wish to genuinely engage and captivate their pubescent audience while taking it in the ass, this is my porn critique.

 

Keep Doing That

Anna Fenetre is hot. Maybe more importantly, she is happy to sit on a window seal and have the neighbors gawk at her while she patiently awaits the money shot.

 

You’re Doing It Wrong

That sad half-smile full of regret, distant eyes looking in the wrong direction, k-mart granny panties, lesbian quarter-life crisis haircut, and that terrible, terrible lighting… it’s a good thing none of that matters because no one is looking anywhere other than one place in this photo.

 

Keep Doing That

There is something about an army of semi-ethnic fit, nude, and dripping wet chics marching toward you with a sense of purpose that is a turn on. They could all be Species carrying rifles and bludgeons for all I care – hell, I wouldn’t even care.

 

You’re Doing It Wrong

You had better hurry up and take your motherfucking photos, get whatever you need to done, because in about one minute the four of us are going to either lunge at you and rip the scrotum from your body to use as a purse to carry the testicles of other chauvinistic men in, or simultaneously breakdown to the fetal position in tears.

 

Keep Doing That

You’ve got to applaud the beach nudes. In my imagination, this is what is going on in every beach throughout Europe. See how she has her back arched and legs spread, yet keeps her feet tucked between her snatch as to not let any crabs invade her sandcastle? Class.

You’re Doing It Wrong

The kind of playful, free spirited girl who likes to roll in the dirt and jokes about the size of her bowel movements seems great when you’re seventeen, but soon her charm is melted away by routine trips to Planned Parenthood and awkward social outbursts until you realize that cup size is irrelevant when you are tied to her bed and she is role playing doctor a little too seriously.

 

Keep Doing That

“Would I look like Skrillex if I wore my hair like this?”

“Sugar, Skrillex could NEVER fit into those pants.”

Also, that wild, animalistic looks is only made hotter by your swan tattoo.

 

You’re Doing It Wrong

Often all a gal need to do make a man cream his jeans is bite her lip. This lass is stuck somewhere between lip biting and just about to bite her elbow. Also, you can tell they put a lot of work into this photo because A) someone must have just whipped the drool from her chin before this was taken and B) they had the courtesy to take her helmet off just before the shoot. Now hurry and put it back on before morality seeps back in and she gets a job as a waitress to support her 36 kids.

 

Keep Doing That

The possibility that she may actually be a vampire is a bit of a turn on. Also the fact that her lips have more pigment than every inch of her body combine. If she had a few tattoos and visual daddy issues, this would be the perfect woman.

You’re Doing It Wrong

It’s one thing to make your hair the same color as your fun-as-grandma-on-Labor-Day personality. When you don’t commit by neglecting your landing strip, it makes me wonder what else in your life you may be neglecting, like changing the litter box that sits right next to your bed for your 12 cats.

Keep Doing That

This is everything Inception was missing: A shit load of hot naked chics free falling and groping one another. At least, that’s what my dreams are made of.

You’re Doing It Wrong

I’m not sure who thought this would be sexy, but there is nothing more terrifying than 9 topless women staring down at you like  your fucking Marvin Nash.  If Stealers Wheel starts playing, I am fucking out of here.

Keep Doing That

You know what I didn’t realize until just now? I don’t own nearly enough pairs of converse… It really is the perfect shoe for those hot, steamy, lonely nights.

You’re Doing It Wrong

You’ve been sitting there for hours now, staring at it in deep contemplation. If you don’t do it for yourself, at least to it for the one you love. It’s an easy fix and It won’t even take that long. I don’t know what the big deal if, after all, it’s not a complete commitment and you can always change the style later if you’re not happy with it. Just go through with it already; get those energy saver windows.

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