Porn Critique Vol. 3 – GIF Edition!

Posted: August 5, 2012 by Cheryl in Featured Fuck

By Cheryl

It’s easy to become heartlessly desensitized in a world where the media is throwing images of vivid violence, perverse sexuality, and other WTF moral dilemmas which turn tragedy into comedy into manic laughter that strikes terror into the cavity a heart and soul once occupied in every egomaniac within earshot. But that might be just me.

What I am trying to get at is that sometimes mere still photographs of people in their birthday suits ramming their feel good organs at one another is not enough stimulation to make your own naughty bits feel extra good after manipulating them in the fashion of your choosing. That’s why God made the GIF. The middle ground between a set of photos, which often suck, and videos, which are either expensive or amateur (and who wants to buy porn that is made in a mansion or download a video of your neighbors fat asses getting it on like binary stars?), GIFs have always been my go to when the time comes to fulfill my daily obligation to diddle my skittle. It saves me the precious time of scrolling through photos, waiting for a video to download, or calling a guy over, getting him ready, and cleaning up afterwards (and God forbid I would actually have to TALK to him!). Like any porn out there, some do it right and some just need more experience.

Be warned that some pretty vulgar shit follows; although not as vulgar as many of the twisted GIFs I was sent to look at. GIFs that will forever be burned in my brain and require thousands of dollars in therapy down the road to undo. I hope you appreciate what I am doing for you. [And be patient while this article loads after the jump – it is totally worth it!]

Keep Doing That

The only thing better than a finely crafted GIF which looks like an eternally hot fuck is a finely crafted GIF which looks like an eternally hot fuck with a pigtailed Asian in high heels.

You’re Doing It Wrong

Despite how inviting a good pounding may look, when your head is being shoved into a wall, titties are jiggling like they’re fucking jazz hands, and every last % of body fat from the waist down is rippling like a fleshy tsunami, it makes it a tad hard to get off.

Keep Doing That

Oh, god, I really hope that is a dildo and that I can buy it at Wal-mart for $9.99.

You’re Doing It Wrong

I’d like to think that this guy has some mondo trouser snake, but there is also probably a good chance that this girl is a midget. Or a munchkin from rack city.

Keep Doing That

This is why I imagine supermodels suck at sex – you’ve got all the right parts, but you’re just going to tease by not giving it your fucking all. SIDEBAR:  Seeing one of those runway chics in a gangbang would make my life complete.

You’re Doing It Wrong

If I had a dollar for every time I heard, “Godamnit woman, it’s a dick, not a pogo-stick!” I would be one filthy rich slut.

Keep Doing That

If you look very closely, you can see the very moment she realizes that he is not wearing a condom. Goodbye sex life, hello child support.

You’re Doing It Wrong

I’m pretty sure there is a good chance this girl has been roofied and that this fuck monster of a guy controls her mouth by pressing his entire face against her head like it’s going to whisper the answer to all of his problems to him. Here is a hint: rape is not the answer. Unless the question is: what is my favorite role play game?

Keep Doing That

Cute smile, captivating eyes, huge, natural juggs, and that fucking sexy blonde hair. This girl is the antithesis of everything I was in high school. Fuck her.

You’re Doing It Wrong

This should be the entirety of sex ed for girls. “You start on the left and if you’re lucky you will end up on the right. If you find yourself on the right of this graph prepare for a long life of sipping margaritas poolside. If you find yourself on the left side of this graph, it’s never too early to start studying for college.”

ALT TITLE: The UN of titties.

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