By Jessica Sanders
The most horrific moment of The Stone: No Soul Unturned was when I realized that I hadn’t accidentally chosen the “Behind the Scenes” title from the main menu.
This was the actual film.
Allow me to start afresh: There are people out there who will enjoy this film immensely. Just as there are people who propel Nickelback to the tippy- top of the charts, put mayonnaise on their waffles, and whip themselves into blubbering, tear-stained frenzies at the very sight of David Hasselhoff. I spend little to no time judging these folks. I’m just fucking stoked to not know them. Suck by Proximity.
As best as I can tell, this is a film about some stones, the occult, lost souls, tarantulas, boobies, the difficulties of parking an automobile in a circular drive, and camping.
I was so utterly flabbergasted by all the things not happening in this film (dialog, story, suspense, fear, etc.) that I had to google some other reviews to see what I may or may not have missed. Other than story. Or suspense. Or dialog. Or structure. Or any kind of lighting that might render this film… Viewable. And I found a kindred soul. May I quote another reviewer? Can I do that here? Nobody’s answering. Buckle up and watch me:
“You’re probably wondering why I don’t just get on with the review already, and why I haven’t explained the plot. I’m stalling because I’m not sure what I just watched, and that makes me uncomfortable.” Cheri Ann.
So let’s just break it down as best we can.
The Bad Weird:
- There’s nothing good to say about the soundtrack. It’s distracting to the point of being the primary memorable characteristic of the film. Also, it sounds like Nickelback. And Nickelback and horror go together like… Well, actually…
- There are a lot of scenes in which people walk aimlessly in their pajamas. Like, a lot. Like, for extended periods of time.
- There’s a scene in the beginning where a car tries to park for about 6 minutes. I could be exaggerating, but I’m not. Fuck that scene.
- The entire second half of the film appears to take place in “the dark”. By which I mean, it looks like someone found the “Dusk” app on the IPhone that this shit was shot on.
- This shit was shot on an iphone, right?
The Good Weird:
- For being shot on an iphone, it’s really not half bad.
- This film takes place in a very intriguing location. Kudos. Nice castle. Nice ambiance. Groovy vibe.
- The actors aren’t terrible. Ok, some of them are. The primary dude is a perpetual anger-ball for no apparent reason. Someone told him to play it intense and he went full-tilt FUCKINGPISSED on accident. Oh well.
- Boobies.
All in all, I pretty much felt like I was watching an hour+ music video. That would have been cool, had I liked the music. Or the video. Having said that, this is a first feature for director Philip Gardiner and I applaud him for remaining true to his vision – however foggy, murky, or aggravating. And I still genuinely believe that there are folks out there who will dig this movie. Anyone who has an intense curiosity in the occult, druids, the legend and myth of ancient stones, communication with the spirit world, or boobies can find something of value and worth within the oft-confusing, meandering, questionably scored folds and layers of this film:
Boobies.
I think my work here is done.